So I went to my local Ace Hardware this morning.
In the paint/electrical/plumbing section of the store, I walked right up to the big burly guy who worked there and said, “I’m doing research. What if a boy wanted to make a brand new toilet plunger look disgustingly used? What could he pour on it?”
He blinked at me.
“I’m writing a children’s book. Is there something in here that he could quickly pour on the plunger to make it, you know, gross?”
The burly guy’s serious face cracked into a grin.
“It’s a boy’s book,” I clarified.
He laughed out loud. “Come with me. I’ve got just the thing.”
And sure enough, he did.
The next time you are reading a book that has lots of wonderful details try to imagine what that author went through to make the writing realistic. Oh and if you see me in Ace Hardware don't be surprised if I am swinging a toilet plunger around, or pretending to throw rolls of duck tape, or anything that might be construed as mental instability. I'm fine. Really. It's research.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
A Cure for wrinkles! No Botox!
This weekend I found the cure to those nasty little wrinkle lines that form between the eyes. And guess what? It doesn’t cost a thing! And only requires a one-time treatment. Sound too good to be true?
It’s not.
First, it requires a man (DOESN’T IT ALWAYS?)
But not just any man, a big strong guy who can lift a bicycle and hang it from the rafters in the garage a mere couple feet from where you would normally carry laundry to and from the dryer.
Next, said guy needs to remove all soft parts from the bike, such as rubber wheels, so that the only bike parts that hang down are carbon-fiber (one of the strongest metal known to mankind) eye-pokers.
With me so far?
Then, said strongman needs to say in an off-handed way, “Watch out for my bike. I'm working on it.”
Now, it is laundry time. It is best to wait until the bins are overflowing with dirty clothes. This way the piles in your arms can be so high that you can barely see where you are going.
Also, I would suggest doing the laundry at the end of the day after the sun has gone down so that the garage is semi-lit, at best. Being extra tired helps in this situation as well, that way you don’t remember any off-handed warnings.
Are you ready? This is where it gets good.
Here we go…bend over, load up your arms with dry clothes, than stand up and walk at a fast pace straight into the eye-pokers. Be careful to hit them as hard as possible and right between your eyes. There! Perfect.
Of course, this is the part where you might say some things you don’t want the kids and/or neighbors to hear you scream. But you might not be able to help it because you are completely out of your senses from the pain.
As you teeter along, seeing stars in that dimly lit room, you try not to drop the huge batch of clean clothes on the floor where the dog vomited only hours earlier. Still grumbling those words that you hardly ever say, checking for blood, you grab an ice pack, hobble nearly blind to the couch and call it a day.
But wait!
There’s more. Call it the Ginzu Knives set.
Your strong guy, great big beautiful lug that he is, will undoubtedly say something like, “What happened? Did you hit my bike? Told you to be careful.” Which will make your blood pressure rise higher allowing more of it to go directly to your throbbing forehead.
And voila! You no longer have wrinkles between your eyes.
Of course there’s a lump, maybe a horn.
But isn’t that a small price to pay for beauty?
No worries, I’ll be fine.
It’s not.
First, it requires a man (DOESN’T IT ALWAYS?)
But not just any man, a big strong guy who can lift a bicycle and hang it from the rafters in the garage a mere couple feet from where you would normally carry laundry to and from the dryer.
Next, said guy needs to remove all soft parts from the bike, such as rubber wheels, so that the only bike parts that hang down are carbon-fiber (one of the strongest metal known to mankind) eye-pokers.
With me so far?
Then, said strongman needs to say in an off-handed way, “Watch out for my bike. I'm working on it.”
Now, it is laundry time. It is best to wait until the bins are overflowing with dirty clothes. This way the piles in your arms can be so high that you can barely see where you are going.
Also, I would suggest doing the laundry at the end of the day after the sun has gone down so that the garage is semi-lit, at best. Being extra tired helps in this situation as well, that way you don’t remember any off-handed warnings.
Are you ready? This is where it gets good.
Here we go…bend over, load up your arms with dry clothes, than stand up and walk at a fast pace straight into the eye-pokers. Be careful to hit them as hard as possible and right between your eyes. There! Perfect.
Of course, this is the part where you might say some things you don’t want the kids and/or neighbors to hear you scream. But you might not be able to help it because you are completely out of your senses from the pain.
As you teeter along, seeing stars in that dimly lit room, you try not to drop the huge batch of clean clothes on the floor where the dog vomited only hours earlier. Still grumbling those words that you hardly ever say, checking for blood, you grab an ice pack, hobble nearly blind to the couch and call it a day.
But wait!
There’s more. Call it the Ginzu Knives set.
Your strong guy, great big beautiful lug that he is, will undoubtedly say something like, “What happened? Did you hit my bike? Told you to be careful.” Which will make your blood pressure rise higher allowing more of it to go directly to your throbbing forehead.
And voila! You no longer have wrinkles between your eyes.
Of course there’s a lump, maybe a horn.
But isn’t that a small price to pay for beauty?
No worries, I’ll be fine.
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